Picture book dummy: Would anyone like to seriously review and critique my first picture book dummy?

[Judy Elizabeth Wilson]

There are so many incredible illustrators in this forum. If you have some time this month, I would really appreciate a couple of people who could take a look at a picture book dummy. Here is a sample page so you know what to expect. The artwork is cute, whimsical, detailed and decorative so if you like that kind of thing and think you can help me spot any thing that may need a second look, I would be very thankful for some serious feedback. About the story, this is a touching story that practically everyone can relate to, which deals with the emotional subject of losing a grandparent. I appreciate this is a big ask, so if you are interested, let me know and I will be sending out the PDF this coming weekend to review. Thanks. P.S. I am a bit scared to do this and also very excited because a lot of good will come from this, either I make a lot of changes or I will know it is time to move on to do the colour samples or something in between. Thanks.

[Jeremy Ross]

Hi @Judy-Elizabeth-Wilson, congratulations on your first Picture Book Dummy!

I really like that you leaned into your style with lots of things happening in your illustration.

However, I feel the words are losing the battle in competition for space. I suggest more breathing room for your text to allow the art and words to work together in harmony.

Regarding the illustrations, I love looking at everything that’s happening and the animals and mushrooms, etc, though I feel your protagonist is lost in the left page. Maybe consider blowing up the house to give the girl center stage so that the house and greenhouse are not the same size?

At first I wondered if it was the same house from a different view, but then I saw the path and read the text to understand it’s separate.

Also, your lines look tight and finished, which doesn’t feel like a dummy. Maybe you could consider staying more loose for the dummy?

Are you thinking of Indie publishing or traditional? That will make a difference regarding how you present your dummy and manuscript.

Hope this helps.

Congrats again for the Project!

[willicreate]

Wonderful detail. Lots for elements for a child to wander around.

My recommendation is to change the position of the text on the first page. It sits awkwardly on top of the house, wedged between the animals. It reads as an afterthought when text should live harmoniously with the illustration. I would move the text to the grassy area. Yes, that unfortunately means sacrificing some of the detail work. Secondly, placing the text near the road helps visually guide the reader to the next scene.

If you're able to, I would also recommend moving the first line of page two to the first page. This way the reader can experience the moment (a voice off screen) the same way the main character is. Starting with the second line ("Nanny! I found you.") would be more impactful.

[Judy Elizabeth Wilson]

@willicreate Thank you Will. Your two points are spot on. I am okay to sacrifice some detail and move the text around to make it more impactful. I really appreciate your comment!

[Judy Elizabeth Wilson]

@Jeremy-Ross Thanks, yes, I feel like this is a good direction with the detail and lots to see, and I really enjoy creating this kind of art. @willicreate suggested we move the words under the house and also move one line from the right side of the page to the left so I think that can help allow the art and the words to be more harmonious. I will see what I can do about bringing the protagonist forward, if the text is no longer above the house I think there will be space to make the house bigger, I will certainly see how it looks.
Yes, the lines are really tight, I think as I get more experience I will get the hang of leaving things looser, one thing that has been so challenging is getting everything into the page in a harmonious way, if that is possible with so much detail. I try to use the golden ratio when I compose the page, that helps a bit.
I hope to publish traditionally, my agent accepted the manuscript and I would like to see how things go, if this bites, and if not it is not out of the question that I would publish another way, it depends.
Thank you again for your comments. Really appreciate your time Jeremy! One more thing, do you think getting feedback on the forum will be okay if I do possibly publish traditionally? Page by page? I think it would be easier for anyone giving feed back. I had the idea to send a PDF to a few people. I wonder if anyone else has done this on the forum? It is really helpful to have the feedback.

[Jeremy Ross]

Hi @Judy-Elizabeth-Wilson, Since this forum is public, your agent may prefer for you to avoid posting the book dummy here, especially as it’s being shopped around for a buyer.

Perhaps check with your agent and seek approval to share with a small critique group (brain trust)?

[Judy Elizabeth Wilson]

@Jeremy-Ross Yeah, thought that was the case. Thanks!

[Nyrryl Cadiz]

@Judy-Elizabeth-Wilson Hi! I would to offer feedback. i'm so excited!

[Judy Elizabeth Wilson]

@Nyrryl-Cadiz Hi Nyrryl, thank you so much! You are so kind! I am very excited to share this dummy with you. I admire your illustration and I know you are going to have lots of insight. I am so thankful, this means so much to me. I have poured my heart and soul into this book. Happiness! I will DM you. Thank you!!!

[Melissa_Bailey]

Hi @Judy-Elizabeth-Wilson . I’d love to take a look at your dummy! (Fair warning, though, I always try to be kind but I’m very honest with my feedback.) ️

[Judy Elizabeth Wilson]

@Melissa-Bailey-0 Thank you so much Melissa. Believe me, honest and direct feedback is exactly what I was hoping for. There is no pressure at all. It is just that I have been looking at the art for a while and new eyes will spot the areas we can strengthen, maybe we simplify some areas or text placement, to check there is enough space for text and look at the story telling. I am prepared to makes some changes. I am so thankful, it means the world to me that you will take some time in your day to do this. It is so kind of you and why this forum keeps on getting better. Thank you. I will DM you.

[Melissa_Bailey]

My pleasure, @Judy-Elizabeth-Wilson -- looking forward to reading your sweet story!