Kamari All-Star Critiques
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I am bummed that there were no critiques after choosing the winners in today's All-Stars Critique Arena, so I am turning to the forum on how I can improve my piece. I knew I wasn't going to be in the top three when I saw the other competitors
, but I would like to use mine for a portfolio piece. Does the concept make sense? Is the composition okay? Are the colors okay? Was the other piece just stronger and more appealing (obviously it was because it outvoted by Kate's illustration ? Anythine else? Feedback is welcome.Others are welcome to post theirs too if they would like.
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kiminyrose/
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@Kim-Rosenlof I love yours! I honestly cant think of anything to change. Its a very clear story and it was executed very well.
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@Pamela-Fraley Thank you! I liked yours too. Very cute characters.
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@Kim-Rosenlof Great idea. I think yours is pretty wonderful. I wouldn't have really thought it needed improving but since you are asking for feedback I've come up with a couple of things!
There is perhaps not quite enough to get the viewer fully invested in the story. From an emotional point of view (character development - difficult with robots) is one. Also most of the props are treated in a similar way, same level of detail, no writing or imagery on the packaging, books or plans etc. I wonder whether there's some way to add a bit more depth to the story, a little more pathos. Hint at a deeper story or history to give the viewer a greater chance to really get absorbed in it. Maybe some items which add meaning eg a photo of the original Kamari with its creator (was it a human creator?) or newspaper article on the wall? Feel free to ignore this! Just a feeling I have. EDIT: Having said all this, I do like and appreciate the simplicity and actually voted for yours. I love it. Doesn't need wholesale change or anything!
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@Kim-Rosenlof Hi! I think your piece is lovely. I understand the concept perfectly, Kamari is transfering their data/ming to a new body since their actual one is obsolete, so it's kinda the end for that version but also there will be a comeback. I love the textures you used and the design for the Kamari 2.0 is my favorite!
Now, since you are asking for feedback, I have a couple of things: looking at the winner and yours, I think what your piece needs is a clearer distinction between background, middleground and foreground. Some work on your values as well because foreground and middleground are, according to my perception, very similar (didn't check out tho, sorry for that, but it's a matter of visual perception).
It also needs to tell a better story. We know what Kamari 1.0 is doing, we see they are changing bodies but, besides the old body... why do they want to change? is there a reason for it? Why should we care? I mean, there are a lot of old machinery that is about to be dumped, and you don't feel a connection with it just because it's old. You need some context on why should we care. On the winner piece, we see a newspaper with some information about their Kamari: he was a racing dog, used to be the best but the owner dumped the poor dog after being great. So that gives you context on why we should care about Kamari being alone and sad in the dark alley, and watching the little kid with a gif for Kamari gives us hope for the future. And it makes it emotional, from sadness to happiness.
Hope I explained myself clearly. I still think your piece is good! Congrats for being in the top 16!!!
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@Jean-Watson and @Anaid-J Thank you both for taking the time to give your feedback. I really appreciate it. I will have to work on the things you mentioned. I see that you both said that my illustration needs to tell a deeper story so that the viewer will care about what is going on. I will definitely work on that. I entered two illustrations and I thought my other one would get picked over this one, so I didn't really put as much thought into this one as I should have
. Now I know what I need to work on. It is good to hear what you think of my illustration, and how I can improve it. Thank you both again for your help and honesty. -
@Kim-Rosenlof Hi Kim.
I loved both pieces. But I actually loved the other one more. Sad that it didn't get picked. 
The Kamari prompt was a little hard. Because it's not a static prompt. It denotes that there is some sort of tension+change/transition happening in the scene.
So:
In this piece, I see the change/transition part. But I don't see enough of the tension part (this was the end of the road for kamari). So I think it would be good to see more tension.
For me, end of the road means that Kamari is almost going to be destroyed if he doesn't get out of the situation.
"Or was it a new beginning?" implies for me that it isn't a sure thing that he's going to escape. He might escape the situation. He might not. Or he might go from "out of the frying pan and into the fire". And that's where the tension comes in.
Also, I would work on strengthening the backstory.
For example:
We can see that Kamari is transitioning to the new beginning. But I think a stronger story will always have a "reason why". Like a reason why Kamari is being forced to transition. And I'm sure there is a reason. Just that it can be illustrated more clearly.
Maybe he got injured and he's bleeding oil and he's almost run out. Or maybe there's a panel in the background showing his "expiry date" and the countdown timer is ticking. He's running out of time.
Anyways, just my thoughts...
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@Kim-Rosenlof I really loved both of yours Kim and thought this concept was super clever and totally understood what was going on so I don't think you need to change anything. But think I'd agree with everyone else that if you're thinking of maybe changing anything it might be worth trying to make the ending bit a little clearer. Think you could do that as Aurelia suggested by making the older robot look like he's definitely on his way out/injured/more rusty or faulty. Or the other thought I had was that you could make him look almost grandpa-like and old, and passing on the information he's collected over the years to the next generation. I think it'd be lovely to maybe have a bit more of an emotional connection between them, so maybe the older one sitting and looking fairly broken (maybe like Aurelia said he could be leaking oil or there could be bits falling off, springs coming out etc) and that he's not long for the earth and the other one holding his hand while the data transfer is happening? But them both smiling at each other so it's not too brutal (
) and looks like the natural order of things. I really loved it though and love the setting and limited colours too. Xx -
@helenbrady and @aurelia Thank you both for your input and kind words. I definitely need to strengthen the story. At first I thought about making a fire in the building, and the old robot couldn't make it so he was transferring everything to the new one, but that seemed really dark, so I went the safe route
. I will work on making the ending more obvious and having a backstory. You guys have some good ideas on how to do it without a building on fire.
@aurelia Yes, I really debated about entering just the circus illustration, but I was having doubts about it, so I entered both. I should have taken a poll on the forum to see which one to enter or have gone with my gut feeling . Those self-doubts always get me . -
Hi @Kim-Rosenlof, congratulations on making the all stars!!!! You rock!
It’s a great piece, love the story telling! Maybe you’re just missing a bit of color to draw in your audience?
Here’s a quick update using procreate pocket.
