critique - storytelling problem?

Susan Marks

@Jonas-Zavacky Ahh-this dilemma so many of us encounter! I've been listening to the latest podcast and Lee and Will were mentioning that like 7/10 of the images submitted by students in the Brian Ajar class--were short on story. Nice images without story doesn't equal "illustration"--my interpretation.

I think the first of these 2 recent images--the sense of "home" is well conveyed with the buildings and smoke. But if I were lost--when I "finally" find home, I wonder if my pose would be less beautiful and serene and would be ecstatic, reaching toward home, running toward home, etc. Or come up with a reason why when she finally sees home is she calm? I think she has tears from her eyes-which conveys facially this emotion, but I wonder if it would be expressed also in her posture/gesture.

The 2nd image doesn't have as much story as the earlier of the 2--and seems much like the first one. Could the bird be carrying a message? Be bigger?

Sometimes I'll do a wild brainstorm-"imagine anything that could be going on in this story---the wilder and crazier the better"-and sometimes that will shake a bit of story out of me. It doesn't always work. I often feel like I, as well as my characers, are waiting for something to tell us what's going on!

Good luck, I feel you.

Jonas Zavacky

@Washu @Susan-Marks - sorry for replying so late. Didn't have much time to do so.

@Washu - thanks for feedback and tips - I actually think the same and more reference will be needed for sure!

@Susan-Marks Yeah you are right. The pose is very stiff and not conveying the emotion I was going for with those posts.

I actually decided to go to thumbnails phase again to explore more possibilities.
I wanna go back to the original emotion and that is calm, peaceful one. The story will be simple - a girl went to her favorite place and is just observing the surroundings of her home while bird (or some animal) aproaches her and makes her company.

The environment will be heavily inspired by one area near my home. Spring/Summer scene.

here are a few sketches for it.

I welcome any comment

Jonas Zavacky

Hi... so after today's podcast I kinda rethought the illustration and finally, I feel it is starting to get somewhere. Here is just a messy sketch of it.

The rabbit is currently just in placeholder position, but I will definitely change it accordingly to the narrative text. (More like a try of it hehe)

anyways I would like to ask if the composition and the story are clear... and generaly I welcome any comment on this Thank you ! story sketch .jpg

animatosoor

Hi, @Jonas-Zavacky, it must be tough to scrap an idea and redraw it the way you have - that's really commendable. I like the redrawn version!

As for storytelling:

Maybe it would help to have the cabin just a little more noticeable? If it's the red shape in the distance, could it be just a teeny bit bigger with a clear silhouette to indicate that it is a cabin?
I like where the rabbit is currently positioned, since our eyes have a path to follow. We can start where the rabbit is, which then directs our eyes nicely down the path to where the cabin should be.
Could the rabbit's excitement maybe show in its body language?

Hope this helps!

Jonas Zavacky

Hi @animatosoor, yeah it was at the beginning but after a while, I detached myself from it and was able to think about it more freely

thank you for the pointers, they make sense and yes changing the pose was the plan all along.

Yes, it helps! appreciate it

Jonas Zavacky

Ok here is another sketch for it. I think this one is more clear.

comp sketch another2.jpg

Jonas Zavacky

Moving on with the colors. I might do some color variations before going further.

animatosoor

Wow, the value sketch shows the trees framing the picture beautifully. I personally really enjoy the latest development. Others might have some further pointers on improving it that I might be missing, of course. Are you also happy with the latest version?

Jonas Zavacky

@animatosoor Thank you! appreciate it! Yes I am but I know there is always room for improvement

Heather Boyd

@Jonas-Zavacky I really like this one (the black and white value). With the colour one - I find the house being red competes with the rabbits attention. I am not really good with applying colour but that is one thing I noted. I also liked the line shapes in the black and white clouds which I felt you lost in the colour version.

Jonas Zavacky

@Heather-Boyd Mmmmh yes you are right. The thing is the red roof is typical in the area I am creating it from. Maybe I can tone it down or shift it more toward brown.

Thanks for the feedback Heather!

mellebluesworld

@Jonas-Zavacky I really like your latest version, the movement conveys the message of "finally there" or "I can't wait to get there" and the colours in this version are light and friendly. In my opinion, there is no competition between the rabbit and the house, since the house has a more brownish red and the rabbit builds with the lighter clouds in the background (compared with the house) a great focal point. I am looking forward to seeing you further progressing .

Jonas Zavacky

Thank you! @mellebluesworld that is good to hear I will post an update soon.

StudioLooong

@Jonas-Zavacky this is looking fantastic! A much stronger narrative!

shinjifujioka

I agree with @StudioLooong , you can imagine a story emerging from the image!

Jonas Zavacky

@StudioLooong Thanks a ton!

@shinjifujioka That is great to hear! I am glad you think so! Maybe later I can do a couple of illustrations following this one

Jonas Zavacky

Ok, I think this will be it for linework. anything that is bugging here? also, I see this as children illustration. Do you see this would fit in that world? I wanna really play out the colors, but I am not sure how the linework goes (I love doing it tho)

ShannonBiondi

@Jonas-Zavacky I think it looks great! Nothing jumping out at me that I feel should be changed. I'm wondering if maybe the big pine tree to the left of the house will cause composition problems once you add colour? But then again it probably won't if the values are different enough. Well done!

Jonas Zavacky

@ShannonBiondi thanks a lot! Yeah i will make sure it is separated enough - like in value sketch. Thanks for feedback again!

Susan Marks

@Jonas-Zavacky I've been away from the forums focusing on a class for the past week or so-so imagine my delight when checking in and seeing what you've done--when last I left off, I thought you were going to stick to your original idea and continue with the very sweet girl and bird. I know sometimes I don't want to go in the suggested directions--and then maybe after some time, I can hear the suggestions in a different way.

This rabbit running totally conveys the happiness to get home. The only suggestion I have might be to play around with cropping-and see if the image you have is/not the most successful. Right now, it feels 50/50--half of the action on the left, and half on the right. If you're interesting, you might find that shifting it to the left or to the right would push things off-balance and maybe up the energy even a bit more.