I think that part of being an artist, is just learning how to cope with your own creativity. We are all such a mess sometimes. Something about art and depression that seem to go hand in hand. Sometimes I feel like art is the cause and sometimes its the cure. I struggle a lot because I need to do it, its part of me, but I also lack the confidence, my skill level is never where I want it to be, it feels like a completely impractical thing to need to do...
When I was little I had teachers tell my parents they needed to put me in a special art school - which they couldn't afford. But, it felt like I had something. And then I went to a different school, where the teachers thought I was terrible at everything. I have had many ups and downs like that in life. But, I can't get away from my art, because it's too much a part of me. I process so much through creativity. I've tried to commit to it and been stressed by the need to produce and sell, make it worthwhile. I've tried to give it up and I can't.
Interestingly enough, the best thing that has happened to push me forward artistically is when, all of a sudden, I had NO time for art.
My husband and I got married and had 5 kids - one after another. That was the end and the beginning for me. I struggled for a while. I used to think I could only be artistic with time and space to get "in the zone." Don't even try with that many kids. It wont happen. I got really frustrated. Felt like I was losing myself... But, then I heard my husband say something. Ive heard him say it a thousand times actually. Hes a musician and he always tells people trying to learn an instrument, "5 minutes a day. If you want to improve, just commit to 5 minutes a day. That's all. Some days, you'll maybe do more, some days not, but you WILL see progress". Anyway, one day it clicked for me. I can do that. I would take care of my family because that's what's important now. I would also draw a little here and there - 5 minutes a day. I would fill cheap sketchbooks with bad drawings. I joined Instagram to post these sketches. I participated in Inktober and Mermay and other art challenges. I decided to be inspired by other artists and not just intimidated/depressed by them. Someday, my kids will be grown and I will have more time. Maybe by then I will have gained the skills to do something big. But, when I have no time, I have no pressure. I can be okay in the learning season. To do my normal job, let myself be creative, and learn to find meaning and purpose in doing laundry and baking with my girls and playing Legos with my boys and not in finishing a perfect piece of art. And, every now and then I actually do finish something, sell something, notice the progress I've made... I've even miraculously had time to submit a piece or 2 to a Thursday SVS before. I can't even tell you how that change in mindset has helped me, though. I have seen improvement, but I have also seen myself gain a healthier mindset. My value as a human isn't so tied to how well I draw or how much I produce. I feel stable. Lord knows how I'll do when the kids are out of the house, but my 5 minutes a day has grown me already and I think I'm getting better. I'm okay with that. Progress not perfection. 🙂
