Contest piece for SCBWI MM conference

[RHirsch]

@KathrynAdebayo Hi, thanks for the thoughtful comments. I do want the eye to travel down the hot, tired group of people first and lead you to the little girl, because she is the period at the end of the sentence. She has waited in that long line, finally got her ice cream, then dropped it as soon as she walked away. Something similar happened to my sister once, so it seemed the perfect thing for this contest.
I do agree, the girl seems a bit too saturated, I think I'll step that back (five minutes work thanks to layers, whew), but I don't want to step her too far back as I do want her to be the eventual conclusion to this little story. Thanks to the advice here, I do see that the ice cream man directs attention back to the line, so I'm going to make the little kid point to her as suggested by Sliproot. I'll post the updated version soon.

[RHirsch]

Updated with revisions. Thanks for the help!

[Sliproot]

@RHirsch Looks great! It's really easy to navigate and see the story now!

[RHirsch]

@Sliproot Thank you for helping me see that! Sometimes, you can stare at a piece too long...

[mag]

@RHirsch Hi!
It looks really great, I would just make the girl facing the crowd, not the edge of the paper, it seams to be an eye trap (well, at least for me?). It should still tell the story of her, waiting for loooong time in the line, etc.

[demotlj]

I really like the style. It reminds me of Quentin Blake. As far as the focal point issue others have raised, you could just move the little girl closer to the rest of the line (and I agree with the suggestion to turn her around.) If she just got her ice cream, she wouldn't be that far away from the front of the line but by tucking her behind the stand, it looks a little like she's hiding out and it makes me wonder why she went back there. The piece is overall really delightful, though.

[Heather Bouteneff]

@RHirsch i love this, I'm working toward my local conference as well so solidarity there lol. I'm jealous you got multiple prompts! Mine was just "an act of kindness along the way".
You've got such great feedback already, i guess all i would like to see different is a bit more fair flair, like that bear bigger like a prize not a bear from the store etc. The fair back in Oklahoma was something I loved so much, it was hot and hectic and loud and over the top. The food and prizes and sounds and smells were all over the top and I would like to see a bit more of that spirit here.
That's personal preference though! I love your style!

[RHirsch]

@Heather-Bouteneff You make some excellent points. The bear does look more like a teddy bear right now, I'll make him look more like a prize. Thanks!

[RHirsch]

@demotlj You know, I did have her in front of the stand initially then moved her, but that was before she was painted and I didn't think she'd stand out as much. I also don't want her to be too close, because then she could just turn around and ask the man for another. Hmm, I'll play with it. Thanks!

[RHirsch]

@mag One of the beauties of working digitally is I can play with this and see what happens. I'll give it a go, thanks!

[Justin Moss]

I'd have to agree with @demotlj . Perhaps raising the whole scene and placing her off the center of the line. showing she is leaving in a different direction and too far to receive another ice cream. It's just the composition that needs adjusting.

The warm colors and almost watercolor painting is working very well. Especially juxtaposed with the simple character designs.

Keep up the good work!

[Kevin Longueil]

@RHirsch Quick cut and paste idea - i was thinking that if you flipped the line and made room for the little girl to be in the bottom right third of the painting it would allow the viewer to circle around the composition by way of the crowd - this would also put her in the midst of the crowd so you could have more reactions if you wanted to - just an idea though

[RHirsch]

@Kevin-Longueil Ooh, that's interesting. I'll try it.

[RHirsch]

I made some changes. I'll have to let it sit overnight and look at it with fresh eyes tomorrow.

[RHirsch]

Okay, with the dog, or without?

[sigross]

@RHirsch I think the dog licking it would be better. Otherwise, at a glance the ice-cream looks like a dog sniffing poop.

[Kevin Longueil]

@RHirsch I think that it works better for me without the little dog.

[RHirsch]

@sigross @Kevin-Longueil Ha! That's not something I want people to think. Ok, no dog it is. All I have to do is remove one layer and he's gone...

[burvantill]

Without the dog.