critique - storytelling problem?

Jonas Zavacky

Thank you for suggestion I do the mistake each and every time
Believing that I can skip that part.

I am going to have serious talk with my brain

demotlj

I think it's a very nice image and it definitely conveys the feelings you wanted. The difficulty I see with the story-telling aspect is that you have two different elements creating the feeling of peace -- one is the valley and sunset and the other is the bird. If the "story" is the peacefulness of overlooking the valley at sunset, then the girl needs to be focused on the valley but if it's the bird, you could crop out everything that isn't that interaction. I think good story-telling actually begins with feelings so all you need to do to increase the story telling in this picture is figure out where that sense of peace is primarily coming from for her and emphasize that as the subject.

ShannonBiondi

I really love the colours in this piece and you certainly convey a feeling of warmth. I also think the drawing itself is gorgeous. Love how you drew the tress and flowers and grass and everything!

What if you add a flock of birds flying away in the left hand side of the sky, with the little bird in her hand looking over at them longingly. This might convey more of a sense of story? Like maybe he is injured and can't fly away with the rest of his family? And this little girl is going to look after him...

Jonas Zavacky

@demotlj @ShannonBiondi Thanks a lot for feedback. I am starting to have an idea what i want to do with it I will update as soon as possible

Coreyartus

What is the illustration for?

As a spot piece of illustration, it might serve an editorial function just fine paired with an article or feature depending on how it's used. But if it's intended specifically as a single image that portrays a story by itself, I can understand why you're struggling. If it's part of a sequential series, it seems like it could hearken to a number of childhood moments of fairy tale princesses.

But knowing what it's intended for might help you determine what elements are required to do what you want...

Jonas Zavacky

Ok I did a little draw over The girl was lost in woods and her animal friends help her find her home

Jonas Zavacky

Or it could be just the girl and the bird again... just with little changes.
What do you think? Is it an idea worth pursuing?

Washu

I like this! I like the pose and expression of the first one best. I like the interaction between her and the bird. I like the addition of flowers and the little building in the distance. I don't think you need the cow since you get a strong feeling from the third one without it. Removing the lines in the sky was a good move.
If she's dirty maybe she'd have a little leaf in her hair. Also a photo reference of morning sun may help you pick your colors and determine how dark to go with your shadows.

Susan Marks

@Jonas-Zavacky Ahh-this dilemma so many of us encounter! I've been listening to the latest podcast and Lee and Will were mentioning that like 7/10 of the images submitted by students in the Brian Ajar class--were short on story. Nice images without story doesn't equal "illustration"--my interpretation.

I think the first of these 2 recent images--the sense of "home" is well conveyed with the buildings and smoke. But if I were lost--when I "finally" find home, I wonder if my pose would be less beautiful and serene and would be ecstatic, reaching toward home, running toward home, etc. Or come up with a reason why when she finally sees home is she calm? I think she has tears from her eyes-which conveys facially this emotion, but I wonder if it would be expressed also in her posture/gesture.

The 2nd image doesn't have as much story as the earlier of the 2--and seems much like the first one. Could the bird be carrying a message? Be bigger?

Sometimes I'll do a wild brainstorm-"imagine anything that could be going on in this story---the wilder and crazier the better"-and sometimes that will shake a bit of story out of me. It doesn't always work. I often feel like I, as well as my characers, are waiting for something to tell us what's going on!

Good luck, I feel you.

Jonas Zavacky

@Washu @Susan-Marks - sorry for replying so late. Didn't have much time to do so.

@Washu - thanks for feedback and tips - I actually think the same and more reference will be needed for sure!

@Susan-Marks Yeah you are right. The pose is very stiff and not conveying the emotion I was going for with those posts.

I actually decided to go to thumbnails phase again to explore more possibilities.
I wanna go back to the original emotion and that is calm, peaceful one. The story will be simple - a girl went to her favorite place and is just observing the surroundings of her home while bird (or some animal) aproaches her and makes her company.

The environment will be heavily inspired by one area near my home. Spring/Summer scene.

here are a few sketches for it.

I welcome any comment

Jonas Zavacky

Hi... so after today's podcast I kinda rethought the illustration and finally, I feel it is starting to get somewhere. Here is just a messy sketch of it.

The rabbit is currently just in placeholder position, but I will definitely change it accordingly to the narrative text. (More like a try of it hehe)

anyways I would like to ask if the composition and the story are clear... and generaly I welcome any comment on this Thank you ! story sketch .jpg

animatosoor

Hi, @Jonas-Zavacky, it must be tough to scrap an idea and redraw it the way you have - that's really commendable. I like the redrawn version!

As for storytelling:

Maybe it would help to have the cabin just a little more noticeable? If it's the red shape in the distance, could it be just a teeny bit bigger with a clear silhouette to indicate that it is a cabin?
I like where the rabbit is currently positioned, since our eyes have a path to follow. We can start where the rabbit is, which then directs our eyes nicely down the path to where the cabin should be.
Could the rabbit's excitement maybe show in its body language?

Hope this helps!

Jonas Zavacky

Hi @animatosoor, yeah it was at the beginning but after a while, I detached myself from it and was able to think about it more freely

thank you for the pointers, they make sense and yes changing the pose was the plan all along.

Yes, it helps! appreciate it

Jonas Zavacky

Ok here is another sketch for it. I think this one is more clear.

comp sketch another2.jpg

Jonas Zavacky

Moving on with the colors. I might do some color variations before going further.

animatosoor

Wow, the value sketch shows the trees framing the picture beautifully. I personally really enjoy the latest development. Others might have some further pointers on improving it that I might be missing, of course. Are you also happy with the latest version?

Jonas Zavacky

@animatosoor Thank you! appreciate it! Yes I am but I know there is always room for improvement

Heather Boyd

@Jonas-Zavacky I really like this one (the black and white value). With the colour one - I find the house being red competes with the rabbits attention. I am not really good with applying colour but that is one thing I noted. I also liked the line shapes in the black and white clouds which I felt you lost in the colour version.

Jonas Zavacky

@Heather-Boyd Mmmmh yes you are right. The thing is the red roof is typical in the area I am creating it from. Maybe I can tone it down or shift it more toward brown.

Thanks for the feedback Heather!

mellebluesworld

@Jonas-Zavacky I really like your latest version, the movement conveys the message of "finally there" or "I can't wait to get there" and the colours in this version are light and friendly. In my opinion, there is no competition between the rabbit and the house, since the house has a more brownish red and the rabbit builds with the lighter clouds in the background (compared with the house) a great focal point. I am looking forward to seeing you further progressing .